Ephesians 1:17-18 ….that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints…

I told you recently I was trying to stop being a “looker-backer.” At least the type of looking back that caused pain, and guilt, and caused me to stumble in my walk. But this is a different kind of looking back. A look back that reminds me of the wonderful things God has been able to do in my life. In Mike’s life. In the kids’ lives. And a chance to pray fervently for someone else.

A year ago this week, my path crossed with that of another woman, another wife, another mom. We had some things in common and so we were inadvertently forced to meet. I remember the phone calls and the emails and the texts as we tried to reconcile our differences. I remember one call in particular – a three hour call – in which I witnessed to her. I shared with her about my God – the strength behind who I was and who I was becoming. I shared with her the Spirit who allowed me to do unthinkable things – like love the unlovable, and forgive those who didn’t “deserve” forgiveness, and care for those who may never care back. I was so hopeful that something I said during those conversations would touch her heart. Help her to realize although we had a very tumultuous beginning (and middle and end) that I cared for her…as a human and as a child of God. Scratch that. I am so hopeful!

For quite some time, memories of my relationship with this person would hurt. At first it was because of things that were said and done to me, but the Holy Spirit softened my heart even more and the pain became more of an empathy – my longing for her to know my God….the God that loves her deeply and is waiting for the Prodigal to return. Not the God she knew from her “religion” or the God she knew from other fallen Christians stuck in their sinful ways. Or the false gods that she had created in her own life. But the One True God who loves her and wants her back!!

I still look back. But not in a destructive way. I can now pass her subdivision without Satan tempting me to wallow in my pity. When I see her make and model and color of car, I’m not tempted to check for her specialty plates on the back. When I pass or see these things now, I pray.

The thing is, since I don’t have any contact with her anymore, I’m not sure what’s going on in her life. Maybe she has become a believer and has put her own past behind her. Maybe she has turned to her husband and strengthened her marriage. Maybe…. I don’t know. But God does. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit who can turn my prayers into something beautiful and relevant! Romans 8:26!!! Love it!

I don’t know if you’re reading my blog still…But if you are….I want you to know…I pray for you! I pray for your salvation, your marriage, your children, and ultimately for your heart. I pray your heart is softened to God’s Word. To the truth in the Scriptures that God loves you, that He has a plan for you-one he has pre-destined you for-one he has created you for. One that will prosper you and give you hope. One that will fill you with joy when you follow it. True joy, not temporary worldly happiness. But joy.

Even though you specifically asked me not to pray for you, there has not been a day in the past year where I have not prayed for you in some way, shape or form. Sometimes it’s a long prayer and sometimes just a quick appeal to God. For Him to make Himself known to you and for you to know and accept him. All said and done, I’ve probably prayed more consistently for you than for any other single person!

I have no idea if you’ll ever see this. Maybe this side of heaven I’ll never know if anything I witnessed to you “stuck” or if any prayer I lifted for you was answered with a “yes.”

Know that you are loved. Know that despite our history, I care for you and for your family. While I can’t possibly know all of your hurt, know that we probably have more in common than either of us will ever realize. I’ve been where you’ve been on some level. I know the way out.

I pray you find it.

Because the rewards are phenomenal.

And there is unspeakable joy.

My Facebook status not so long ago was something to the effect of:

Karen Patrick loves to hear those three little words. “You are right.”

I’ll admit, I’m a prideful person. God has shown me that…smacked me upside the head with that..Oh, how it’s become so obvious to me lately. That’s what happens when you pray this Scripture…

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.

When I prayed that, and listened for God’s answer, God brought me down a notch. Or 50. And He told me to stop trying to control everything as if I know best. Stop trying to be right all the time. Stop trying to take credit for things that only He should be getting credit for.

And it’s not like there isn’t a boatload of Scripture to back up God’s desire for me to be humble…

James 4:6
Psalm 138:6
1 Peter 5:6-8
2 Chronicles 7:14
Matthew 18:4
1 Samuel 16:7
James 4:10
Luke 18:14

And the list goes on and on and on. I think God was trying to make a point. There I go again….trying to say what God was doing!

Anyway, pride has gotten me in a good bit of trouble over the years. Way more than I can ever list off in this post. I’m sure that’s what was at the root of my run-ins with my high school Algebra teacher. And my ICU nursing instructor. And even some of my friends. And, shamefully, my relationship with my own husband. Sad, but true.

So it’s no wonder God isn’t giving me what I’m praying for. He knows. See, I would just love it if someone…anyone…would come to me and say, “Ya know, Karen…I’ve watched how you live and the joy you have and…well, I want what you have.” At which point I can witness to them about Jesus and the difference He’s made in my life. And they can become Christians!

But I think that deep down, somewhere in the depths of my wicked, human heart, I’d be prideful. So proud that I was living this life so well that someone would take notice. That what I was doing made a difference. That I changed someone’s heart.

But it’s not me who changes hearts. It’s God!

I have to stop believing I have any control over it.

While I pray daily that the lost will be found, especially some of the lost in my very own circle of family and friends, I may never know this side of heaven if my prayers were answered. I’m trusting God that He’s working it out for good and protecting me from my own pride in the process.

Because a little pride is a dangerous thing!

I just gotta stand up and yell from the rooftops about what God is doing in my life!

Of course, they can’t all fit in this blog post…there are just too many. And some aren’t ready for my blog readers yet, but I digress….

Let me tell you about one specific thing…

Cancer!

See, I went in for my routine easy-peasy mammogram at the beginning of April. No big deal. I know I’ve blogged about the procedure a few years ago (but I believe that was all lost with the old blog). The mammogram itself wasn’t the scary part. It was getting the results.

In the form of a letter.

“Dear Karen,
You might be dying from breast cancer that, by the time you receive this letter, may have spread to your lungs, your brain, your bones, and every other part of your body. Call us for a follow up exam.”

Oooohhh-kay. That’s not quite what the letter said, but that’s what my brain read it as. I called, but the mammogram center could not give me any information over the phone. I called my doctor, but getting through to someone in that office is about as easy as stuffing an elephant into my mailbox. So instead, I made my follow up mammogram appointment for about 10 days later. And just for fun, they were throwing in a breast ultrasound for good measure.

And here’s where God comes in…first…he has blessed me with a husband who doesn’t (outwardly at least) panic. He was calm and cool and rational. He told me there are always weird results that need follow up and that the vast majority of them turn out to be nothing. But I still wanted to panic.

See, I’m wired to be a worrier. I can take one small nugget of information and turn it into my life story. Mike is late getting home from work? It can’t possibly be because of traffic. It must be because he has wrapped his car around a telephone pole and is dying. Of course, in my mind, he dies, the state highway patrol comes to the door, we have a funeral, I collect on his life insurance policy and then try to raise the kids on my own.

In real life he pulls into the driveway 10 minutes later and life goes on. I think there has only been once in my life where I haven’t created a whole story when presented with a nugget of information, but that’s for another post. (I know, I’m such a tease!)

Anyway, so I get the info that my mammogram is grossly abnormal and I’m dying I need some follow up tests and immediately I’ve already pictured myself having a mastectomy (or two), on chemo, and dead.

Thankfully though, I had three things on my side….Mike who faithfully lifted me up in prayer (both audibly and silently), small group sisters who did the same, and a God who promised never to leave me or forsake me and who desires for me to trust in Him.

Mike admits, he prayed the follow up tests would be normal, but mostly he prayed that I’d experience God’s peace and be comforted that no matter what happened, I’d lean on God and get through it. And somehow glorify Him in the process.

I think it was the praying for my peace that did it.

Because I, literally, had no worries about my tests. When someone would ask about it, I’d tell them, “I’m not worried. God has it all under control. Nothing will change by my worrying. I’m trusting Him to get me through whatever faces me.” And that was the honest truth.

So a week ago today I went in and got pushed and prodded in new directions. Squeezed tighter and held longer. Yippie! Then I had the ultrasound with the warm goo. The goo was warm! God is good!

And then, praise God, I absolutely forgot about it! Forgot about it so completely it hit me last evening that I hadn’t even thought to call my doctor to get results! A week had passed and I hadn’t even stressed. Thinking about the worry wart that I had always been, this was totally utterly abnormal for me! And I can only credit it to God giving me the peace that passes all understanding!

God is so good!

So? The results? Nothing wrong! Probably fibrocystic breast disease. Runs in the family and is nothing to worry about. Wasn’t worth spending 17 straight days worrying about it!

Should I ever truly face it though, I’m ok. I’ve seen God do a miracle in my life and give me comfort at a time when I could just have easily have freaked. If He can overcome that weakness of mine, He can get me through anything!

Isn’t it crazy when you’ve taught you kids things and they come back at you at the most inopportune times? I guess in some way it’s good to know that what you’re teaching them is sticking in their little brains. And when they are lessons about God, I guess it’s a great thing they are getting stuck in there. Here’s an example….

When KT was just a little thing, she wanted a pony. She asked for a pony for every birthday and for Christmas every year. I’m fairly certain several of her blow-out-the-candle-birthday-wishes were for ponies. Thing is, I grew up on a farm. With ponies. (And cows, chickens, sheep, pigs, you name it) So I knew the vast amount of work that went into having a pony. And with our history of hardly being able to raise a cat there was no way I was investing in a pony for a preschooler!

When Mom and Dad couldn’t deliver the desired pony for KT, she turned to a higher power. She started praying to God for a pony. It was sweet. Really, it was! But now we had an issue. We didn’t want KT to be upset at God at such a tender age for not giving her what her heart truly desired.

So we had to sit her down and have a talk. We told her how much God loved her. And how He wanted her to be happy. And that, ultimately, He knew what was best for her. And it wasn’t a pony.….And it may be a pony someday when she’s an adult and living on her own with her own property and her own money. And it wasn’t a pony right then.

We had to explain how God worked. It wasn’t that He wasn’t answering her prayers. It’s just that He wasn’t saying “yes.” See, I firmly believe that God answers every.single.prayer. Sometimes the answer is “yes.” Sometimes it’s “no.” And sometimes it’s “not yet.” As for the pony prayer, we were fairly sure God was answering with a “no.” “Never.” “Not gonna happen.”

So we fast forward a year or so. Most talk about getting a pony was dropped. And life went on. One day the 4 of us were hiking in the Glen Helen Nature Preserve. Mike had been there many times as a boy and was excited to show us his old stomping ground. The problem is….the stomping grounds looked different. Bridges he used to cross to get from one side to the other had collapsed or were covered over with brambles. Trees that had been little were now towering over us. Winding paths seemed to go this way and that. And suffice it to say, we got lost.

Seriously lost.

We ended up turned around and who knows where. And of course, without a trail map! At one point we ended up finding a road, but had no idea which way to go on it to get back to our car. What seemed like hours passed. Meanwhile, the sun was getting lower in the sky. And lower.

I was making plans in my head. Because I used to be like that….a planner. A worst case scenario person. What if….we had to spend the night in this thickly forested preserve? What if….I had to feed my kids wild berries? What if…it got cold? What if…we had to fend off wild lions? Or tigers? Or bears? Or at least a opossum??

Then it hit me….sadly it hit me so late. It should have been my first thought! We needed to pray. God was going to get us through this one way or another. Either He was going to show us the way out, or He was going to provide for us and protect us if we had to spend the night.

So I squatted down to KT’s level and said, “You know what? Now would be a good time to pray that God would help us find a way out of here and get us back to the car.”

And do you know what that stinker said? In her most know-it-all voice, she said, “Ok, mommy, but remember…..sometimes God says ‘No!’”

And that’s a lesson I’ll never forget!

It’s not like I didn’t already know that fact. But sometimes I’m reminded of it and it just blows me away.

I’ll share with you a little story of how God answers prayer. Of course, I believe God hears and answers all prayer. Sometimes the answer is “yes,” sometimes “no,” sometimes “not yet.” And sometimes 1000 other variations of those things.

This time it wasn’t about what the answer was, it was about the timing of it. An immediate answer to prayer. Don’t get many of those.

But first, let me give you the backstory….
Saturday morning didn’t start our like most days. Mike and I got up at the crack of dawn to take my girlfriend to the airport. Since it was way earlier than we usually get up, we went back to bed when we got home. When it reached a more reasonable time, we got up, spent some time with the kids, cooked a meal….yada yada. The excitement started when Mike and I went out to run some errands.

First to JoAnn Fabrics to pick up a framing project that was finished. Then to Lowes to get some tomato fertilizer, some Draino, and some flowers to plant out front. Check that off the list. A quick hop over to Petsmart to pick up a new collar for LGC and some litter. Check check check. Ah, finally the list was getting smaller. A quick trip to the gas station and then a treat—a trip to Starbucks.

The gas station is where it all went wrong. I pulled into an empty row of gas pumps pulling all the way to the last one so someone could pull in behind me. Suddenly, from around a corner, a pick up truck was backing INTO me. I heard a horn honking at and pick-up-guy raised his hands up in a “what in the world are you doing? I was going for this spot!!!” So…to avoid getting hit…I backed up.

Right into a shiny blue Corvette. Apparently, my leaving the first pump open was an invitation for someone to pull in behind me. Thunk. It was a very low speed thunk though, thankfully.

Mike and I hop out of the minivan which seemed quite large in contrast to the tiny Corvette. The driver of the Corvette jumped out of her car and she.was.not.happy.

And she made it pretty well known she wasn’t pleased. Upon inspection of the front of her car, there was a small scratch. Which she blamed on me. And it may well have been my fault, but I’m not quite sure how since it didn’t seem to match up with my van bumper and it looked like it had been there awhile. But that’s a moot point. There was a scratch, and I had backed into her. So who’s to say?

She asked me, in a raised volume, if I knew how much it cost to fix a scratch on a Corvette. I did not.
She asked me if I had heard her honking? I did hear honking, but I also had an irate man in a pick up truck backing into me and I assumed it was him.
She asked for my insurance information and name and address and phone number. Mike asked for hers (after all, drivers are supposed to exchange information). She took that as us accusing her of being at fault. And she didn’t like that at all!
She called her husband and said in no uncertain terms that a jerk backed into her at the gas station and she had a huge scratch on the car.

Anyway, we exchanged information and each went to our own cars to write down the info. When we met back up, Mike, in a calm tone, apologized and spoke to her calmly and quietly. You know what? She responded in a like manner! It was like she was a whole new person. It reminded me so much of Proverbs 15:1–A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

She still wasn’t pleased, but her whole countenance changed. She spoke rationally. And calmly.

But it still upset me. And after our quick trip to Starbucks, I could feel the emotions welling up inside. My perfect driving record gone. My first insurance claim. Having to hear this woman yell at me. The uncertainty of what was to come. The potential for higher insurance premiums.

Mike looked at me and knew. “You need to cry, don’t you?”

Uh-huh (insert blubbering idiot here)

Ten minutes later, we were pulling into the driveway. Before we got out of the van, Mike said, “Let’s pray.”

So there we were, heads bowed, foreheads together, and Mike was praying out loud. He prayed for peace and comfort for me. And for wisdom on what to do regarding insurance. And that God will allow this all to work out for His good. And that the truth will prevail. But mostly for my peace and comfort.

He was in the middle of praying all this when my cell phone rang. An unknown number. Yes, in this case I allowed the distraction of my phone to interrupt the prayer.

It was her. She was speaking in a calm, peaceful voice and told me she got home and showed the scratch to her husband. His response was that it wasn’t bad and he could fix it. She told me it wasn’t a problem and I shouldn’t worry about it. She wished me a great evening. I apologized again and wished her well too.

Wow. God answers prayer. Sometimes quickly, sometimes more slowly, but always in His time!

My God is that awesome!

I love looking back on my life. Day by day. I love seeing what I was doing on any particular day in years gone by. I’m a looker-backer.

For many years, I kept track of every detail of my life with a Suzy Zoo pocket calendar. I really wish I could say every single year, but for a few years I resorted to keeping track on a Palm Pilot or an iPhone. Sadly, whatever I did on those days have slipped away with my bad memory.

Here’s the stack of calendars I have…

April ‘92. Ah, newly married. Pre-children. Pre-pregnancy for that matter. Looks like I was working some 12 hour days at Children’s Hospital. Halfway through the month, switched to 12 hour nights. Probably worked a few of those with my dear friend Linnett! Ah, April 8, 1992–Mike and I saw Jerry Sienfeld at the Palace Theater. Memories. I see my sister, Frannie, got ahold of my calendar and wrote in her brithday! Sneaky! As if I’d forget!


Ah…May of 1997. KT was almost 3 and Nick was a few months old. Looks like Mike was working in the PICU and doing some moonlighting on the side in the clinic. Wow, he was and still is such a hard worker! Other than that, looks like our life revolved around work and kids. I’ll bet I was a little ticked that KT wrote all over my calendar, but in hindsight, it’s a cute memory and I smile every time I see this month.


Oh, this is a good one. The over-extended kids and parents. December of 2007. Looks like KT was performing in “High School Musical” at the Davis and Nick was Christopher Robin in “Pooh” at the Phoenix. Thing is, Nick also had rehearsals for “Bunraku Snow White.” Oh yeah, and half way through the month, KT auditioned (and made it into) “Antigone.” Add to that I was busy making cookies and ushering for the shows and entertaining guests.


But here is a thought….how much time should we be dwelling in the past? See, not only do I love to look back at all these good times, but I look back on all the bad times too. And it is not pretty sometimes. While it’s fun to gather all the calendars and say, “What was I doing on this day in ….” I shouldn’t also dredge up the bad things. The failures. The hurt. The disappointment. The heartbreak. The bad decisions. I’ve done that enough. And it’s time for me to move on.

And I have been. Philippians 4:13 has been repeated over and over. When I’m trying to forget, but the bad thoughts keep coming I keep reminding myself: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I can put those negative feelings and thoughts behind me.

The prophet Isaiah reminds me…Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. (Isaiah 43:18)

Paul exhorts in Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet ; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (emphasis mine)

Can I remember the past? Sure thing! Should I dwell on it? NO! Can I remember what I was doing a year ago? Absolutely. But that was then. And I have a choice. I can let Satan get in my head and let me dwell on failures and hurt. Or I can call upon the power of Christ to put new thoughts in my head. Good memories. God-honoring thoughts.

Should I forget the past completely? I don’t think so. I need to remember what God has gotten me through. I need to remember the power of God to change hearts and make all things new.

I was talking with someone recently about a mutual friend. She said, “Mr. So and So did a complete 180 when he became a Christian.” That’s right! God is all about 180’s. He delights in 180’s.

So I’m looking ahead. At the plan God has for me. I’m 100% sure God’s plan for my life isn’t to wallow in the past.

I’m leaving it at the foot of the cross where it belongs.

Now I present to you…..

Crazy Cat…..

We have been dying Easter eggs around here for years. And years. And years. It, quite honestly, is one of my least favorite holiday traditions. Typically I put it off until the last possible moment and then we have to squeeze it in somewhere. And then once the eggs are dyed, we aren’t actually allowed to eat them. Here’s a photo gallery proving that this tradition goes way back….

2000

2001


2003


Time warp to last year


This year, we tried something new. We decorated Easter egg cookies and while it was a challenge to figure out the cookie glaze consistency, I’d say they came out pretty well for some first timers.

If you’d like to try them, King Arthur Flour had a great tutorial on their blog. You can find it here.

….followed.

I had a conversation with someone recently about God. This person is not a believer and they were questioning things. One of their big concerns was with the amount of rules there were in the bible.

Why did there have to be so many rules?

Uh….because God loves us.

The short answer didn’t satisfy. She responded, “God was just sucking the fun out of everything with all these rules.”

God is not a fun sucker. He created fun! But ultimately, God knows that what we might consider fun is not what will be the best for us in the long run.

Ok, to put it in terms that make sense…at least for you parents out there….

It’s like your kids. You want them to have fun, right? But you ultimately know what’s good for them and what will hurt them. Sure, it’d be fun to eat Marshmallow Peeps for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It’d be thrilling to jump uncontrollably on the bed. It’d be exciting to ride your Big Wheel down your long, steep driveway at top speed.

But we, as parents, can see the dangers in those things. So we make up rules. Maybe it’s one Peep after you’ve finished your meal. Or some jumping on a mini-trampoline. Or a bike ride in the park. Because we know those things are safer. We can see the big picture and we know the bad that can happen. And we don’t want that to happen…..

Why?

Because we love our children.

We set limits. We discipline when the rules are broken. We train and guide and instruct. Not to suck the fun. To protect. To help our kids avoid the pain. And the heartbreak. And the misery.

When we’re kids, we’re under the rules of our parents. When we grow up, suddenly we think we make our own rules. And we can create our own fun. That doesn’t mean the rules aren’t there anymore. We just choose to break them.

But the rules are there. God put them there. Because he loves us.

Rules like “no premarital or extramarital sex.” Seriously, God? Why not? Because God loves us. He knows that in the long run, these things will not satisfy. He knows they can spread disease, create unplanned pregnancies, and bring heartbreak.

Rules like “do not covet.” Why not? What’s wrong with wanting something? God loves us and knows coveting will bring discontent. It’s hard to be grateful for what you do have when you have your eye on something you don’t have. And it can lead to stealing, and prison, and heartache. Or maybe, hinging back on #1, you’ll have your eye on someone else’s husband. And then you’ll have all the consequences associated with that broken rule.

Rules like “do not divorce.” It’s so easy to get a divorce these days. And you think it’ll make all your problems go away. It doesn’t. God knew it wouldn’t. That’s why he wanted married couples to work it out. Put him first. Not divorcing will save you heartache. It’ll prevent you from taking insecurities and baggage into your next marriage. It’ll protect your children being confused and hurt and feeling abandoned by one parent or the other.

I love God’s “I told you so” moment….Isaiah 48:18 If only you had paid attention to My commandments! Then your well-being would have been like a river, And your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

Interestingly enough, I wrote this post several days ago and then happened upon Psalm 119 in my bible. If you want to know about following God’s Word and the power and freedom it brings, head on over. Nearly every verse talks about this very thing.

This morning I had to get up extra early (8:30) and head to the lab to get some bloodwork done. Easy thing for me to do–well, the bloodwork part, not the getting up part! I know it’s going to be quick and if I hold still it won’t hurt as much.

Kids, on the other hand, get freaked out about the idea. Holding still isn’t even an option for them. Especially when they are freaked out just at the thought!

And that’s exactly what a mom tried to prevent by not letting on that her son was the one going to be stuck.

In fact, she downright lied to him. She didn’t even try to sugar-coat the truth.

I was waiting for my turn when a little boy stepped out of the draw room. His mom quickly followed and said to him, “Come back, this isn’t for you. We’re here for me!” He wasn’t buying it and kept walking. She grabbed his arm and guided him back telling him the whole way, “We’re here for me. They aren’t going to stick you!”

The screaming that followed was obviously coming from one little boy realizing that his mom had lied. The stick was for him. They were holding him down. They called for backup and the receptionist sprinted in to help. The mom tried to soothe him, “This won’t hurt at all.”

Ok, seriously woman! Lie number 1, your son was having bloodwork, not you and….Lie number 2…It does hurt. Especially when you are a scared, betrayed, restrained 7 year old.

He emerged from the draw room a few minutes later covered in tears and looking dejected. I wanted to just go up and hug him and let him know that it was going to be alright. Poor little thing.